hmmmm..hmmmm...hhmmm.. hmmmmm Is all I can say today, why all the hmmmmming? you will ask, I don't know, I just can't say why, I simply am rendered speechless by the events of my life...
Casting my mind back some 15years, I knew what to say, how to react, all my come backs, my moves, my desires and how to express them, but 15 years down the line, all I can say is hmmm.. how pathetic can that be? Is this the stuff broken dreams are made of?
Don't tell me I am being too hard on myself, how else can I be to me??? Pray tell me what you will think of a woman that spurns the love of a percieved committed and lovely man, not once but twice, and openly, unashamedly chase a man that makes it very clear he doesn't give two hoots about me??? Pray tell me...
I must have done something in the past that I am paying for now, but God you told me I was forgiven and that my sins have been thrown into the sea of forgetfulness, or am I quoting that wrong? could it have read "my sins have been thrown upon the winds of regretfulness"?
Maybe but Lord I still want to hold on to the faith of my mother. I can't seem to recognise, this cold, scheming person I have turned into, believe me there are lots more vocabulary to describe what I have become, a vain, judgemental, shallow, naive, nerveless, prayerless and hypocritical beauty (see my vanity!! using beauty on myself I consider very vain), did I forget to add jealous, envious, prone to want everything (grabbing), yet getting almost nothing...
hmmm... you see my plight now, I want to get back to....wait a minute, ever since I became a teenager, these has been my luggage, I carry them wherever I go, hmmmm..God has invited me to put them down several times, but no sooner had I put them down, then I pick them up again...hmmmm.. I have only one prayer to ask of you Baba, in the song of Pastor Bimbo Odukoya..
Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word
teach me to sacrifice
expecting nothing in return
I want to work within your will
becoming like you, each and everyday
My words are not enough
show me how to love
I do have a love problem Lord, I need to love you, love me and then I can really love others, people that need my love are starving!!! hmmmmm... Baba deliver this child of yours that my hmmm.. may become waoh!!!!
