Hmmmm....

hmmmm..hmmmm...hhmmm.. hmmmmm Is all I can say today, why all the hmmmmming? you will ask, I don't know, I just can't say why, I simply am rendered speechless by the events of my life...

Casting my mind back some 15years, I knew what to say, how to react, all my come backs, my moves, my desires and how to express them, but 15 years down the line, all I can say is hmmm.. how pathetic can that be? Is this the stuff broken dreams are made of?

Don't tell me I am being too hard on myself, how else can I be to me??? Pray tell me what you will think of a woman that spurns the love of a percieved committed and lovely man, not once but twice, and openly, unashamedly chase a man that makes it very clear he doesn't give two hoots about me??? Pray tell me...

I must have done something in the past that I am paying for now, but God you told me I was forgiven and that my sins have been thrown into the sea of forgetfulness, or am I quoting that wrong? could it have read "my sins have been thrown upon the winds of regretfulness"?

Maybe but Lord I still want to hold on to the faith of my mother. I can't seem to recognise, this cold, scheming person I have turned into, believe me there are lots more vocabulary to describe what I have become, a vain, judgemental, shallow, naive, nerveless, prayerless and hypocritical beauty (see my vanity!! using beauty on myself I consider very vain), did I forget to add jealous, envious, prone to want everything (grabbing), yet getting almost nothing...

hmmm... you see my plight now, I want to get back to....wait a minute, ever since I became a teenager, these has been my luggage, I carry them wherever I go, hmmmm..God has invited me to put them down several times, but no sooner had I put them down, then I pick them up again...hmmmm.. I have only one prayer to ask of you Baba, in the song of Pastor Bimbo Odukoya..

Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word
teach me to sacrifice
expecting nothing in return
I want to work within your will
becoming like you, each and everyday
My words are not enough
show me how to love

I do have a love problem Lord, I need to love you, love me and then I can really love others, people that need my love are starving!!! hmmmmm... Baba deliver this child of yours that my hmmm.. may become waoh!!!!

Another day..Another thought..

I read a post I published in 2006, while I have grown older and wiser, landed a better paying job, in a better position to help out my family, especially my mom, drive myself around town, the list is endless. One thing still remains unchanged...my emotions in 2006 replicates to a good extent how i feel in 2009. The emotions are even sharper now, it's getting even more difficult to hold on to hope and recieve all the well intended advice and encouragements. But I am determined to count my long list of blessings, bask in them and enjoy the attention of a God who loves me and who is working things out for my good whether I can see them or not..

Love...What exactly does it mean?

What exactly does it mean to be in love?
Is it that you get everything you ask for?
Is it the centuries spent on the phone?
Is it the fact that he calls up all his friends to call you up on your birthday (sweet!!!)
Alright, I was also asked to call up a father on his birthday (by his son oo!)
Is it the countless sweet text messages you exchange?
Or the fact that he gets along with your sometimes difficult family!(That's really a plus!)
Pray tell me what it means to be in love?
How can you say you love me, then leave me?
No explanations you gave, only a guessing I did
Must be the way I talk,should have been more patient
Should not have sent that sms
Shouldn't have disclosed that secret
Guesses, guesses and more guesses
Should have known you didn't know the meaning of love
How else can I explain your question to me?
"How can you tell it was love"?
So what exactly did you mean when you told me you loved me?
So when did I go from being the loved to just one of the top ladies in your life?
ouch!! that really hurt, to think I loved you all that while, and all I was, was
a seasonal leading lady..
Anyways someone pray tell me what it means to love.

Who am I?

As she swaggered past me, I couldn't help the thoughts that came to me "Who does she even think she is?" then I tried to caution myself, "It's just my jealousy talking, or is it my envy?. " What has she got that I don't have?" in a feathery whisper it came to me "her youth?", "confidence?", it felt like a dagger through my heart. "Whatever went wrong?", "What did I do wrong?", my mind played back my past, the answer was "Many things", I did many things wrong, but the most important thing I did wrong, was not trusting God completely. I focused on getting things done my way, look good, talk good, feel good, be good! And when it didn't work, I bent a bit, bent some more, then almost lost it completely. Always said "I trust God", became my mantra at some point, I must have been paying lip service, because I am beginning to sound like a broken record, and yet it seems nothing is happening.

A friend of mine once said to me " Do you know you are like a lion, living amongst goats and trying to act like one of them?". I tried to imagine a lion bleating, skipping, chewing on grass, but I just couldn't conjure the image.

A lion is confident,
A lion does not skip,
it walks majestically.
A lion roars,
it doesn't bleat.

I have been bleating pitifully. Self righteously flirting with the Devil, handling sin with kid gloves, indulging unhealthy thoughts, yet having the audacity to ask God why? I need a complete turnaround.

She can swagger because she knows she is a lion. Though she may be among goats but she knows she's still a lion and lions have goats for supper. End of jealousy, end of envy, I know who I am, I know what I should be and do, but the big question is will I do it?

Lost but found!!

You won't believe how much I have missed you
How long I have searched for you, How much I
have longed for you.
In searching, I got lost, over and over again in the
world spun of keyboards and shortcuts.
Thought I had lost you for good, thought we will
never cross paths again in these parts.

As I clicked and waited, my body shook with a myriad
of emotions, Will this be the time?, will I hit the
jackpot? or be sadly disappointed, but then you
appeared, beautiful in your simplicity, yet
complex in your beauty. You who were borne
out of necessity, you whom I grew to love
you whom I missed...I found you at last!!!!

For Idowu Adewunmi (1981-2006)

Sunday December 10th 2006, I woke up and sluggishly got off my bed, Power Holding Company of Nigeria was holding unto the power again, I had to prepare for Church in Semi-Darkness but nevertheless I had to go to church. It was Pastor Bimbo's Memorial Service and I wondered what the day will bring, little did I know that the day had one more surprise to unfold as it passed.

Pastor Taiwo didn't allow for any teary eyed service or sad countenance rather we celebrated Pastor Bim's life on earth as we all knew it. It made me wonder how I will be celebrated at my demise... I made up my mind to live well while I still had the chance. In the course of the service my phone rang, but after checking the caller identification, I quickly switched off the offending handset,the call couldn't have been important, I thought to myself as the caller was an old course mate from the University, I chatted with him on friday, so it couldn't be important, If it was he would have told me about it on Friday "I reasoned"

After the Service , I got home, cleaned up the house, Ironed my clothes and settled down to a good movie, as I was beginning to get engrossed in the plot of the movie , my phone rang again...the caller Identification should have warned me that it carried dreaded news.. it read "private number" and that usually fills me with foreboding, after I identified the caller at the other end (another course mate and friend from the University), his next words made my heart skip a beat " Mercy brace yourself, we have lost someone" as I asked him who it was my mind began to scan the faces of all my course mates from the University, people I read with, fought with played with and laughed with..then he dropped the name that sent me reeling he said "Mercy ID is gone"..

All I could think of was "I didn't get to say goodbye". He died in pursuit of a dream, a dream that will never be realised. I wondered how he felt when the robbers attacked the bus he was travelling in, when they asked him and the other passengers to lie across the road, what was going through his mind as he hit the asphalt?, how did he feel when he heard the engine of the approaching vehicle.. what were his last thoughts??? A dream shattered , a candle snuffed in the prime of his youth, our very own Idowu Adewunmi is gone.. I couldn't cry, my heart was too heavy yet the dam refused to burst....

I remember your laughter, the way you teased no end, the way you tackled courses with so much ease and no care in the world... Idowu, I cannot ask God why He allowed it, I cannot ask Him why He allowed your dreams to be cut short in an instant. All I can say is that I am grateful for the life He allowed you to live albeit short, It touched my life and enriched it.

Imagination

I heard the thumping sound again, at first I thought it was a part of my dream, but this time it startled me out of my sleep, I looked at the time and it was just 3.00am, then I heard it again. Robbers! Robbers! Oh my God!! My heart screamed, I was too afraid to speak or even think, my mouth went dry as I tiptoed to the window, everywhere was dark, thanks to power holding company of Nigeria ,they sure picked a fine time to hold the power. All I could see were shadows, moving shadows, which belonged definitely to men.

As I pondered what to do, sweat trickled down my spine, I got on my knees and crawled to the sitting room door, checked the locks, and when I was satisfied it was well secured, I went back to my watch post. The shadows were still there, but they appeared not to be moving, or is my mind playing games with me, I waited for a few more minutes.., then wait a minute , I felt cold breeze on my back, Power holding company had let go of the power at the same time my eyes went back to the spot were the shadows were a minute ago, now that the security lights were back on, I began to chuckle and then it grew to full blown laughter, there I was on my bedroom floor, beside the window at 3.20am laughing my head off…..

The menacing shadow of men of the underworld I thought I had seen earlier were only the shadows cast by the plywood we had piled up earlier in the day to be used as firewood for my sisters engagement party , maybe the sound that woke me up was one plank sliding against the whole lot and finally landing on it’s resting place, where it was still lying, the floor!! It took a while for me to get back to bed and when I finally did, another loud noise woke me up, but this time it was only my alarm……