December 1st..yeah!!!

It's the first day of the last month in the year 2009, yippee!!!!..and then ooohhh..It's that time of the year when I have mixed feelings, first of joy for making it this far, then a bit of sadness for all my unaccomplished goals, then finally anxiety, wondering If I can still accomplish any before the year runs out.

What the heck!! this year I will just skip the last two emotions and bask in the first, imagine if that runaway trailer had crushed me?, or robbers had sacked my streets?, or that sickness had killed me?..wait a minute what If I had lost my mother to that stroke? or my sister in the miltant attack?..Abeg o, I have no choice but to be joyfuland bless the God of heaven for deeming it fit to bestow His grace and mercy upon me.

I truly have a lot to be thankful for....
I am thankful for life
I am thankful for health
I am thankful for my family
I am thankful for a great job, and great employers
I am thankful for great friends
and most especially I am thankful for a God that loves me inspite of myself..

When all around you is silent....

Have you ever been surrounded by a lot of people and still felt alone?
Have you ever watched your phone all day and yet the only noise it made was from a reminder you set?
Have you ever logged on to your messenger and though there were several little yellow smileys ,none of them was interested in having a conversation with you? (I know you are thinking, why don't you buzz one of them)
Have you ever felt like church was a routine?
Have you ever felt like your life was a routine?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then you will understand what it means for all around you to be silent.When it seems nobody really cares, when it seems like even God has left you to your own devices, when it seems you are all alone in the world. But I learnt one thing recently, that when all around me is silent, that is when I should listen more, because something is brewing , because in a short while something will explode, something that cannot be contained, something that God was working out in the silence..

The talk..

I had the talk twice in one week! Wondering what talk I am refering to? It's the talk you have with the one that never worked out, the one you thought was the "one". The special one that you always wanted to be around, that you could tell anything to,that you thought the world of, but suddenly they said "sorry I don't think we will work out". And that was it, their explanation sounded lame and all you could think was, "maybe, just maybe I wasn't good enough". Then you struggled through the emotions, of hope, then hopelessness , then hate, then self pity, and finally you tried to let go while still wondering what actually went wrong.

Time passes, seasons ccome and go, people come and go, then you are fine again, more beautiful, stronger and with the knowledge that you were not the problem in the first place. Then one day you come across these people and you are bold enough to ask why? That's when the talk happens. Maybe the passage of time makes you more objective and the pain less, but you somehow understand now. The talk is helpful, but you are secretly thrilled by the fact that you can detect a note of longing in their voice , howbeit small. You had the talk, and you know that somewhere in their mind they are still wondering, how their life will have been If you were an active part of it. You walk away from that talk with a smile on your face and springs in your step, secure in the knowledge that, that chapter of your life is finally over.

Back to life, back to reality...

That song makes more sense to me now than ever before, life is actually our reality..(okay forgive my philosophising) I just returned from my vacation, and the last few days of it were quite anxious for me, as I pondered the reason why, I realised that somehow, I had managed to create a parallel reality with my vacation time, one in which I didn't care about work,who was angry at me and who wasn't, who loved me and who didn't, what clothes to wear, how to walk, talk, eat, sleep. A reality in which every time was me time!

"Selfish"! I hear you say, maybe, just maybe you are right. I must admit though it felt really good, I had some spiritual awakening, a truck load of sound advise, some unhealthy indulgences (I truly regret them, but they are behind me now)and most of all, a lot of me time. Come to think of it,is it really selfish to indulge in me? Is it selfish to go by yourself, into yourself to know yourself (hope you aint lost yet?). Is it selfish to take out time, not to care about the news headlines, the excitement of work, the intrigue of family and the hassles of life?

If your answer to my questions is yes, then I am guilty as charged. Anyway your distinguished highness, temper justice with mercy because I am back to life now, and back to reality. The story of my life continues from here, and like I love to think, it is a beautiful life.

Who needs friends anyway..

Some days I wake up thinking, "Who needs friends anyway". How wrong I was on those days, everyone sure needs friends. I am on vacation, yippee!!! I had looked forward to it from the beginning of the year and I decided to use the opportunity to visit with a friend I hadn't seen in over a year. She was a pleasant surprise, first she hasn't really changed from the fly , fun loving person I knew, this was made evident when I heard my name mentioned over the P.A system in a crowded airport..lol ( I felt like the heroine in a movie..lol).Anyway the next pleasant surprise came when we got gisting, she had really matured spiritually, physically and emotionally (this is not a cliche, it is for real). She told me all the things I really needed to hear, it was like scales falling off my eyes..need I say more..I love her!!.

Now I open up my mail box, and got a prompt from facebook, informing me that another friend had tagged me in his note, he hadn't written a note in a while, but he now goes and write one titled "What have I done....differently"..highly thought provoking, it should have come with a warning sign..."If you don't want to think, don't read". Since it didn't come with one, yours truly read it, and now I can't stop thinking, he asked a question that is begging for an answer, and my mind doesn't want to ease off until it is answered, help! my mind has gone all scholarly on me! Before I lose you completely, the question was.. where were you in October 2008?, and what have you added to yourself in the one year since then? Are you just busy hanging on to what you had then? Or have you done things differently to achieve some results?

Both my friends have provoked me to be a better person, to let go of things I can't control (leave them at God's doorstep)focus instead on the things I can, and improve at them. So now, when my scholarly mind asks the question " who needs friends anyway, I quietly answer, I do.

Wishes..

If wishes were horses, they say men will ride. It's the end of another month, a feat that moves us closer to the end of the year, believe it or not, I have a load of things I wish for..

I wish I could be proud of Nigeria the way an American is of America..
I wish we are a disciplined people, with visionary leaders and beautiful cities..
I wish every Nigerian child had an opportunity to really live
I wish the educational sector in Nigeria will be comparable to that in the UK.. ( hmmm...)

Enough about Nigeria...now about me..

I wish I was married already with three kids.(lol working on that)
I wish I didn't have to work so hard to make money..(maybe I should just marry a sultan and be his 20th wife..lol)
I wish I could just blink and find myself in another country instead of spending long hours in a plane..phew!!(renta-ghost)
I wish I could wave a wand like Harry potter and solve all our problems in Nigeria.. (back to Nigeria again, you can see how much I love this country).
I wish I could eat anything I wanted without adding an ounce of fat..( I particularly love this wish).
I wish everyone loved and obeyed one God.. (then there will be no need for the UN, or wars, or hatred..hmmmm..)

I wish , I wish, I wish... If wishes were horses, men will truly ride.

Love in word and deed..

I just realised how easy it is to say we love God and are willing to obey Him, how easy it is to feel like a loving person, how easy it is to feel self righteous, go to church at every opportunity, sing, pray, praise and not be inconvenienced. Hmmm... I just learnt that talk is cheap, it is all in the act. Jesus Christ knew what he was refering to, when he said "How can you say you love me (whom you cannot see), when you cannot love your brother/sister that you see" I was put to the test recently and sadly all my self righteousness came to the fore, I bluntly refused to be inconvenienced, I gave reasonable excuses that sound to me lame now.

Thank God for devotionals, I opened mine, and the title that hit me was "Arms Of Love" and I was directed to read 1 John 3:16-20, verse 18 especially struck me "Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth". I became so ashamed and there decided to do the right thing. Did I feel better? a little. But it got me thinking a lot, can we say we love without having inconvenienced ourselves for it? Can we really love in words alone, without deeds to show for it?

Questions, questions and more questions. all I know is that I want to be like Jesus, not at once maybe, but I will just take it one day at a time.

Rude Awakening

Woke up feeling really good had a long and hard talk with Daddy and He was totally in-sync with me. In that mood I caught a friend online, one I like so I went ahead to chat with him. Just as I was really getting into the gist, he suddenly says " It's like you are beginning to nag", it left me cold on my tracks if there was one thing I dreaded to be called, it is a nagger! I thought I was a very understanding person cutting people really long slacks, letting them know how I felt so they could explain why they acted the way they did. looking back now, it hit me, maybe I really did nag.....

As that realisation hit me, it really hurt. How do you confront the people you love without coming off as nagging? How do you get someone to do something they ought to do without bringing it up over and over? It's an act I am baffled about but definitely one I have to learn. I never want to be a nagging woman, mother or wife....How does the book of Proverbs put it again.....??

Hmmmm....

hmmmm..hmmmm...hhmmm.. hmmmmm Is all I can say today, why all the hmmmmming? you will ask, I don't know, I just can't say why, I simply am rendered speechless by the events of my life...

Casting my mind back some 15years, I knew what to say, how to react, all my come backs, my moves, my desires and how to express them, but 15 years down the line, all I can say is hmmm.. how pathetic can that be? Is this the stuff broken dreams are made of?

Don't tell me I am being too hard on myself, how else can I be to me??? Pray tell me what you will think of a woman that spurns the love of a percieved committed and lovely man, not once but twice, and openly, unashamedly chase a man that makes it very clear he doesn't give two hoots about me??? Pray tell me...

I must have done something in the past that I am paying for now, but God you told me I was forgiven and that my sins have been thrown into the sea of forgetfulness, or am I quoting that wrong? could it have read "my sins have been thrown upon the winds of regretfulness"?

Maybe but Lord I still want to hold on to the faith of my mother. I can't seem to recognise, this cold, scheming person I have turned into, believe me there are lots more vocabulary to describe what I have become, a vain, judgemental, shallow, naive, nerveless, prayerless and hypocritical beauty (see my vanity!! using beauty on myself I consider very vain), did I forget to add jealous, envious, prone to want everything (grabbing), yet getting almost nothing...

hmmm... you see my plight now, I want to get back to....wait a minute, ever since I became a teenager, these has been my luggage, I carry them wherever I go, hmmmm..God has invited me to put them down several times, but no sooner had I put them down, then I pick them up again...hmmmm.. I have only one prayer to ask of you Baba, in the song of Pastor Bimbo Odukoya..

Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word
teach me to sacrifice
expecting nothing in return
I want to work within your will
becoming like you, each and everyday
My words are not enough
show me how to love

I do have a love problem Lord, I need to love you, love me and then I can really love others, people that need my love are starving!!! hmmmmm... Baba deliver this child of yours that my hmmm.. may become waoh!!!!

Another day..Another thought..

I read a post I published in 2006, while I have grown older and wiser, landed a better paying job, in a better position to help out my family, especially my mom, drive myself around town, the list is endless. One thing still remains unchanged...my emotions in 2006 replicates to a good extent how i feel in 2009. The emotions are even sharper now, it's getting even more difficult to hold on to hope and recieve all the well intended advice and encouragements. But I am determined to count my long list of blessings, bask in them and enjoy the attention of a God who loves me and who is working things out for my good whether I can see them or not..

Love...What exactly does it mean?

What exactly does it mean to be in love?
Is it that you get everything you ask for?
Is it the centuries spent on the phone?
Is it the fact that he calls up all his friends to call you up on your birthday (sweet!!!)
Alright, I was also asked to call up a father on his birthday (by his son oo!)
Is it the countless sweet text messages you exchange?
Or the fact that he gets along with your sometimes difficult family!(That's really a plus!)
Pray tell me what it means to be in love?
How can you say you love me, then leave me?
No explanations you gave, only a guessing I did
Must be the way I talk,should have been more patient
Should not have sent that sms
Shouldn't have disclosed that secret
Guesses, guesses and more guesses
Should have known you didn't know the meaning of love
How else can I explain your question to me?
"How can you tell it was love"?
So what exactly did you mean when you told me you loved me?
So when did I go from being the loved to just one of the top ladies in your life?
ouch!! that really hurt, to think I loved you all that while, and all I was, was
a seasonal leading lady..
Anyways someone pray tell me what it means to love.

Who am I?

As she swaggered past me, I couldn't help the thoughts that came to me "Who does she even think she is?" then I tried to caution myself, "It's just my jealousy talking, or is it my envy?. " What has she got that I don't have?" in a feathery whisper it came to me "her youth?", "confidence?", it felt like a dagger through my heart. "Whatever went wrong?", "What did I do wrong?", my mind played back my past, the answer was "Many things", I did many things wrong, but the most important thing I did wrong, was not trusting God completely. I focused on getting things done my way, look good, talk good, feel good, be good! And when it didn't work, I bent a bit, bent some more, then almost lost it completely. Always said "I trust God", became my mantra at some point, I must have been paying lip service, because I am beginning to sound like a broken record, and yet it seems nothing is happening.

A friend of mine once said to me " Do you know you are like a lion, living amongst goats and trying to act like one of them?". I tried to imagine a lion bleating, skipping, chewing on grass, but I just couldn't conjure the image.

A lion is confident,
A lion does not skip,
it walks majestically.
A lion roars,
it doesn't bleat.

I have been bleating pitifully. Self righteously flirting with the Devil, handling sin with kid gloves, indulging unhealthy thoughts, yet having the audacity to ask God why? I need a complete turnaround.

She can swagger because she knows she is a lion. Though she may be among goats but she knows she's still a lion and lions have goats for supper. End of jealousy, end of envy, I know who I am, I know what I should be and do, but the big question is will I do it?

Lost but found!!

You won't believe how much I have missed you
How long I have searched for you, How much I
have longed for you.
In searching, I got lost, over and over again in the
world spun of keyboards and shortcuts.
Thought I had lost you for good, thought we will
never cross paths again in these parts.

As I clicked and waited, my body shook with a myriad
of emotions, Will this be the time?, will I hit the
jackpot? or be sadly disappointed, but then you
appeared, beautiful in your simplicity, yet
complex in your beauty. You who were borne
out of necessity, you whom I grew to love
you whom I missed...I found you at last!!!!